Marriage in Crisis
You probably never thought it would happen to you, but suddenly you find your marriage in crisis. You and your spouse are fighting a lot, or one of you has been unfaithful, or perhaps you have just simply grown distant over the years. Regardless of the reason, you may be trying to decide what your options are. You may be anxious, scared, angry, hurt or just feeling very alone. So let’s look at some options if when your marriage in crisis feels a bit overwhelming.
Take some time apart
For some people, when they are experiencing marriage problems, taking some time apart can give them an opportunity to gain much needed perspective. When you are right in the thick of an emotionally charged situation, you may be too close to things to come up with effective solutions. A brief separation can be beneficial in order to get your bearings and think through the best way to handle your marriage in crisis.
Also, during this time apart you can determine if you really want to stay in your marriage or not. This is a very difficult decision for many people and should not be made without a lot of thought. Taking time apart can give you the space your need to think it through without the day to day pressures at home which often accompany a marriage in crisis.
Get into therapy
Going to a therapist can be very helpful when a marriage in crisis is turning your life upside down. Therapy will not only provide you with a safe place to talk openly and freely, it will provide you an opportunity to problem solve with someone who is neutral and objective with regards to your situation. Family and friends may be willing to listen and give advice, but usually they will be biased in one way or the other, and won’t be objective like a therapist.
Put your cards on the table with your spouse
Often when a marriage has reached a crisis point, one or both partners is unable or unwilling to take the risk of saying what they really want and feel. Instead you are often both guarded or defensive as you try to navigate your way through what feels like an emotional minefield. But if one of you takes the risk of truly putting your cards on the table, it may be the catalyst for much needed open conversations. That being said, it may backfire also, and that is what makes it particularly uncomfortable for most people. Only you can decide if the risk is worth it, and how you think your partner may respond if you try.
File for divorce
Another option when experiencing a marriage in crisis is to throw in the towel and file for divorce. If the crisis has been going on for a long time and shows little hope for resolution, this may be the best option. Only you can decide if this is the best route for you. But it definitely should not be done hastily, as the emotional and financial cost of divorce is often very high.
Determine what changes you can make to improve your marriage
With a marriage in crisis the only person you can change is you. You can’t change your spouse even though you may feel that is the best solution! But the person you can change is you. Marriage problems are rarely, if ever, due to one person. It takes two to tango and two to create problems. If you start making some positive changes your spouse will inevitably have to make some changes also. Your spouse may not change as you would like, but if you make positive changes you can hold your head high knowing that you did, and leave the marriage with more dignity if it still doesn’t work out in the end.
Only you can decide the best choice for you when a marriage in crisis is taking a toll on your emotional well being. Consider these options and trust your heart. And know that many couples do find a way to get back on track. Hopefully you will too!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
How to Save Your Marriage
How to Save Your Marriage
Marriage can be full of joy, but it can also be full of pain. For some couples, it seems the joy has been gone for so long that it is impossible to ever get it back. But it doesn’t have to be that way. When it comes to how to save your marriage, there are a lot of things you can do to start getting your relationship back on track. But you must be willing to look at yourself and make the necessary changes. Change isn’t easy, but if how to save your marriage is really a priority for you, then keep reading.
What are you bringing to the relationship?
One of the first things you need to do when it comes to how to save your marriage is to sit down and make a list of what you are actually contributing to the relationship. This is not a list for things like making money to pay the mortgage, or cleaning the house, or doing the grocery shopping.
Rather, in what ways are you making the relationship good or bad? Are you constantly nit-picking at your spouse’s short-comings? Do you express heartfelt appreciation frequently that your spouse is in your life, or for the wonderful things your spouse does for you? Are you supportive? Do you listen when your partner needs to talk about something that is bothering him or her? Are you loving and affectionate?
Your marriage is like a bank account. You are either making deposits into it or withdrawing from the account. If you are mostly making withdrawals, the bank account will eventually run dry. You must be making plenty of deposits also if you learning how to save your marriage is important to you.
Is your marriage a two-way street, or must everything always be on your terms?
Some people don’t know how to be in a relationship without trying to control it. If you are the type of person who has to have everything happen on your terms, then you are not only being incredibly selfish, you are also treating your spouse with disrespect. And maybe your spouse has put up with it for a long time, but if how to save your marriage is a concern for you, chances are it is because your spouse has had enough.
A marriage is meant to be a partnership, not a dictatorship in which one person calls all the shots and expects the other to “obey”. Attempting to control your spouse will usually foster resentment. Your spouse is a separate human being whose wants and needs may not always coincide with yours. Compromise is essential to a good marriage. Honoring and respecting his or her feelings, wants and needs instead will go a long way towards creating a healthier, more loving relationship.
Are you being passive-aggressive in your marriage?
While controlling behavior is very destructive to a relationship, passive-aggressive behavior is as well. Passive-aggressive individuals attempt to get their needs met in very unhealthy ways. Rather than speaking up and expressing their true needs or feelings, they say one thing and then act in a way which subtly or not so subtly contradicts it, usually in an attempt to get back at the other person.
For example, a passive-aggressive wife may tell her husband its fine if he wants to spend the day golfing with his friends. However, in actuality she is not happy about it all and decides to get back at him by “accidentally” putting a new red shirt in the wash with his underwear as she does laundry that day. Needless to say, this is also destructive to a marriage and defeats the goal of how to save a marriage.
These are just a few questions to ask yourself if you are worried about your marriage. The only person you can change is yourself, so if you are wondering how to save a marriage, you must start with making changes in how you interact with your spouse. As you make positive changes, you will likely find that your spouse does also.
Marriage can be full of joy, but it can also be full of pain. For some couples, it seems the joy has been gone for so long that it is impossible to ever get it back. But it doesn’t have to be that way. When it comes to how to save your marriage, there are a lot of things you can do to start getting your relationship back on track. But you must be willing to look at yourself and make the necessary changes. Change isn’t easy, but if how to save your marriage is really a priority for you, then keep reading.
What are you bringing to the relationship?
One of the first things you need to do when it comes to how to save your marriage is to sit down and make a list of what you are actually contributing to the relationship. This is not a list for things like making money to pay the mortgage, or cleaning the house, or doing the grocery shopping.
Rather, in what ways are you making the relationship good or bad? Are you constantly nit-picking at your spouse’s short-comings? Do you express heartfelt appreciation frequently that your spouse is in your life, or for the wonderful things your spouse does for you? Are you supportive? Do you listen when your partner needs to talk about something that is bothering him or her? Are you loving and affectionate?
Your marriage is like a bank account. You are either making deposits into it or withdrawing from the account. If you are mostly making withdrawals, the bank account will eventually run dry. You must be making plenty of deposits also if you learning how to save your marriage is important to you.
Is your marriage a two-way street, or must everything always be on your terms?
Some people don’t know how to be in a relationship without trying to control it. If you are the type of person who has to have everything happen on your terms, then you are not only being incredibly selfish, you are also treating your spouse with disrespect. And maybe your spouse has put up with it for a long time, but if how to save your marriage is a concern for you, chances are it is because your spouse has had enough.
A marriage is meant to be a partnership, not a dictatorship in which one person calls all the shots and expects the other to “obey”. Attempting to control your spouse will usually foster resentment. Your spouse is a separate human being whose wants and needs may not always coincide with yours. Compromise is essential to a good marriage. Honoring and respecting his or her feelings, wants and needs instead will go a long way towards creating a healthier, more loving relationship.
Are you being passive-aggressive in your marriage?
While controlling behavior is very destructive to a relationship, passive-aggressive behavior is as well. Passive-aggressive individuals attempt to get their needs met in very unhealthy ways. Rather than speaking up and expressing their true needs or feelings, they say one thing and then act in a way which subtly or not so subtly contradicts it, usually in an attempt to get back at the other person.
For example, a passive-aggressive wife may tell her husband its fine if he wants to spend the day golfing with his friends. However, in actuality she is not happy about it all and decides to get back at him by “accidentally” putting a new red shirt in the wash with his underwear as she does laundry that day. Needless to say, this is also destructive to a marriage and defeats the goal of how to save a marriage.
These are just a few questions to ask yourself if you are worried about your marriage. The only person you can change is yourself, so if you are wondering how to save a marriage, you must start with making changes in how you interact with your spouse. As you make positive changes, you will likely find that your spouse does also.
Christian Marriage Counseling for You
Christian Marriage Counseling
If you and your spouse are going through a difficult time, you may find that marriage therapy can be very beneficial. And if you and your spouse have a strong Christian faith, you may prefer to seek out Christian marriage counseling. Working with a counselor who approaches therapy from a theoretical perspective which aligns with your personal faith will prevent some of the clashes which may occur if you attempt to work with a secular therapist with a very different approach.
In order to find someone who specializes in Christian marriage counseling, you may want to consult with your pastor or other people in your church. You may also look in your local yellow pages or do a search online. If you search online, you can search for the terms “Christian marriage counseling”, “Christian marriage therapy” and that can help you get started. If you add the name of your city or county you will narrow down your search to someone in your proximity.
Once you have come up with a few potential therapists, you may want to try to find out a little information about them. For example, what are their credentials? Are they licensed? How long have they been practicing? You also may want to give them a call and see if you can find out a little information over the phone before committing to an appointment.
For example, you may want to ask them how much of their approach is based on Biblical principles. This can vary greatly when it comes to Christian marriage counseling. If you want someone who is going to use the Bible and prayer in the counseling session, you may want to inquire about that. Of course, this will depend on your personal preference.
If you can talk briefly by phone with two or three different therapists, you may get a better initial sense of whether or not this is someone with whom you want to set up an appointment. If the phone conversation doesn’t feel quite right, trust your instincts and move on to the next one.
In order for Christian marriage counseling to be truly beneficial to you and your spouse, it is particularly important that both of you feel comfortable with the counselor. If you meet for a session and one of you doesn’t care for the counselor, you may find the process very challenging if you continue to see this person.
Once you find someone who is a good fit for both of you, determine a schedule that will work for everyone. Having a therapy session early in the morning before work or mid-day is often not a good idea. Counseling can tap into some difficult emotions so it is best to choose a time of day when neither of you has other obligations immediately following the sessions.
As you begin the process of Christian marriage counseling, be sure that the counselor sets clear ground rules with regards to how the sessions will be handled, how long they will last, how emergencies will be handled, what to do if you need to cancel, and confidentiality issues. Also, be sure that you discuss your goals with the therapist so that everyone is on the same page with regards to what they want Christian marriage counseling to accomplish.
After you have done all this, approach the process with an open mind and the willingness to be ready to make some changes. Marriage therapy can be very beneficial, but you must be willing to do the work. In time, you may find that your marriage is back on track and stronger than ever!
If you and your spouse are going through a difficult time, you may find that marriage therapy can be very beneficial. And if you and your spouse have a strong Christian faith, you may prefer to seek out Christian marriage counseling. Working with a counselor who approaches therapy from a theoretical perspective which aligns with your personal faith will prevent some of the clashes which may occur if you attempt to work with a secular therapist with a very different approach.
In order to find someone who specializes in Christian marriage counseling, you may want to consult with your pastor or other people in your church. You may also look in your local yellow pages or do a search online. If you search online, you can search for the terms “Christian marriage counseling”, “Christian marriage therapy” and that can help you get started. If you add the name of your city or county you will narrow down your search to someone in your proximity.
Once you have come up with a few potential therapists, you may want to try to find out a little information about them. For example, what are their credentials? Are they licensed? How long have they been practicing? You also may want to give them a call and see if you can find out a little information over the phone before committing to an appointment.
For example, you may want to ask them how much of their approach is based on Biblical principles. This can vary greatly when it comes to Christian marriage counseling. If you want someone who is going to use the Bible and prayer in the counseling session, you may want to inquire about that. Of course, this will depend on your personal preference.
If you can talk briefly by phone with two or three different therapists, you may get a better initial sense of whether or not this is someone with whom you want to set up an appointment. If the phone conversation doesn’t feel quite right, trust your instincts and move on to the next one.
In order for Christian marriage counseling to be truly beneficial to you and your spouse, it is particularly important that both of you feel comfortable with the counselor. If you meet for a session and one of you doesn’t care for the counselor, you may find the process very challenging if you continue to see this person.
Once you find someone who is a good fit for both of you, determine a schedule that will work for everyone. Having a therapy session early in the morning before work or mid-day is often not a good idea. Counseling can tap into some difficult emotions so it is best to choose a time of day when neither of you has other obligations immediately following the sessions.
As you begin the process of Christian marriage counseling, be sure that the counselor sets clear ground rules with regards to how the sessions will be handled, how long they will last, how emergencies will be handled, what to do if you need to cancel, and confidentiality issues. Also, be sure that you discuss your goals with the therapist so that everyone is on the same page with regards to what they want Christian marriage counseling to accomplish.
After you have done all this, approach the process with an open mind and the willingness to be ready to make some changes. Marriage therapy can be very beneficial, but you must be willing to do the work. In time, you may find that your marriage is back on track and stronger than ever!
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